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♥ Victoria
31 December 2010 @ 06:56 pm

2010 was a year of letting go. A year of work, and a year of some success. I honestly don't know what else to say about it other than that I was so busy, I couldn't do all my resolutions. But I think that's a good thing. It's a good thing to be so busy out of your mind, so crazy you can't even think.

There were very very low points, points when I didn't know what the fuck was going on, and if I could still continue feeling that way. There were points I felt like giving up. A fine line, that is, between giving up and letting go... Hahaha... But I'm still here, and I'm still working, I'm still in love, and I'm still standing proud of who I've become, something that wasn't always true for me.

2011 will be more of letting go. It will be more of working, and hopefully, that will translate to more success. But it will also be about being proud of who I am, meaning more of eliminating what I do wrong, and more of opening myself to what's good. Opening my heart, if I may say so hahahaha :-) And accepting and being true to myself. True to my own preferences, own tastes..

I'm so happy and thankful for the year that was, I can only hope and pray for the stamina to make 2011 even better. Because only I can make it a good year for myself, only I can make it a happy one. And that's all I want to be in 2011: a happy heart. To be a loving person. To heal myself of this. To struggle, and to be victorious.

Let's see! Let go. :-)

♥ Victoria
24 November 2010 @ 01:53 am
Don't you just love how when Voldemort tells Snape, "We were beginning to think you lost your way" in the beginning, it means so much more than just in the "physical" way of being lost?!?!!

And I really like how the end credits have shadows of people moving about! Just goes to show the ahrt doesn't end when the movie does... :-) :-) :-)
♥ Victoria
23 November 2010 @ 12:04 am
Sometimes, I think I'm a good person. When good things are given to me, I think it's time to give back, and until now, I believe that's always a necessary step in really feeling successful. Anyway... then when I try to think of other people, when I try to share what's I've been blessed with, I become resentful. I become resentful that I can't have what I want after working so hard for it. I become resentful that I have this sense of obligation towards pleasing people and giving them what they want in return. Then I become resentful towards myself for becoming so selfish after everything's been said and done. So maybe I should just stop. Maybe I should just stop trying to be good. Maybe I should just own up to my evil, selfish self. Maybe I should just own up to the fact that I hate sharing, that I'm not a good person. Maybe if I stop trying, then I'll stop failing at it, too.
♥ Victoria
22 November 2010 @ 02:05 am
In all honestly, I think I like New York, I Love You more than Paris Je T'aime. I think because I understand the shorts more. I love the one of Rachel Bilson, Hayden Christensen and Andy Garcia, though it's one of those films I only understand when I'm watching it. If you ask me to recall it right now, I wouldn't know how to explain it. I also liked the one with Shia because it was a bit sad... and I'm not sure if my understanding of it is correct, but I love it in how I give meaning to it. I also like the one of Maggie Q and Ethan Hawke one. And the Bradley Cooper one is exactly how I envisioned a short about a first date to be, when I was still planning what films to make in class. Voice-overs and actual events overlapping. Lovet!

Lastly, one resolution I can have next year is to stay true to myself and my own style and preferences. I'm really so easily swayed by opinion and other people's opinions. I always try to be cool and try to please what everyone else thinks and I always want people to think I'm so cool and amazing. Hahaha Maybe that's why I started my other blog. Yes, a sycophantic admission, but it's true. I won't like that sometimes I feel good when people comment and say "good work!" or that I really like it when people recognize my work. Hahaha ANYWAY, I suppose in 2011, I can really work on just being myself for myself. That was actually a resolution for this year (and my most important one at that), but I had so many that I didn't fulfill them all. I just hope I still have time to make all my wishes come true for myself! Wahahaha... No but really, I just hope that I still have time to end this year with a happy heart. :-)
♥ Victoria
22 November 2010 @ 01:41 am
Wag kumagat. :-)
♥ Victoria
19 November 2010 @ 03:51 am
I'm always so full of emotion at the end of a Harry Potter book and movie. I always feel like "I can't believe I'm reading it!" Or, "I can't believe I'm finally watching this!" Just some thoughts to get off my chest before sleeping...


♥ I will admit that I found the first half to be a quite slow. Perhaps a faster pace in editing or scene action would have made the movie have a very suspenseful one as a whole, but for now, the first hour or so remains a bit dragging. Though very very well made, very well shot, very well thought of. The first half of the movie emphasizes so much drama, and paints such a poignant and heavy picture of their situation, it really would be perfect if it weren't a bit slow.

♥ That being said, the movie ends beautifully. It picks up its pace, and thickens its plot, and culminates to an emotional ending that had me and my sister holding each others' hands so tightly. I feel like it was so bitin, even if I know what's going to happen next! Hahaha...

♥ I really loved the animation for the tale of the Peverell brothers. It wasn't so tied in with the art direction of the whole movie, but as a stand alone animated video, I loved it! I loved how every drawing is connected to the next...

♥ The conflict in Draco Malfoy's face!! When he was trying not to recognize Harry, it was so apparent that he wanted another life instead of the one he'd so proudly held to himself before.

♥ Ginny and Neville and CORMAC MCLAGGEN WAHAHAHA and everyone else on the train! Broke my heart completely... Kinda sad they didn't include Dean Thomas and other fleeing muggle-borns though..

♥ It was the first time I had watched a Harry Potter movie without a clear picture of what was about to happen, so I was asking my sister about the story the whole time! I hate not knowing what's going to happen, so when scary parts were coming, I was actually scared! Hahahaha!

♥ HARRY AND HERMIONE COULD HAVE HAD SOME CLOTHES ON, YOU KNOW. That was a really scandalous scene ha!!!! Children will watch that movie!!

♥ I really loved this movie! Despite the slowness of the beginning, it was really well-made and I loved all the shots... Can't wait to see the final chapter, even if it means not only the end to Harry Pottter, but also to my childhood. :-(
♥ Victoria
18 November 2010 @ 01:05 am
I think the 3rd book is my favorite. It was so different from the first two; it was really the "turning point" for Harry. The first two were stand alone adventures that made you think every book would be a Harry getting near Voldemort and defeating him in the end. But in the 3rd book, it wasn't a happy ending. It was a glimpse of Harry unsure future... From then on, things never really "changed" in the end. Rather, truths were revealed, and each next ending was a development to find the ultimate secret of why and how Harry and Voldemort would eventually battle. What's really painful is when Harry thinks of life with Sirius, using magic in daily life, never having to hide his abilities, being able to practice Quidditch in his backyard, only to have this taken away from him moments after he realizes how lucky he would have been... I remember the feeling after I finished it though, it felt like nothing would be the same again. And it wasn't.
♥ Victoria
1. I've been marathon-ing some Harry Potter movies in preparation for the last one. To be totally honest, no matter how many trailers I've seen, or how many of the books I've finished, or how many of the teaser pictures I've dug up from the internet, I will never be ready for the end. And I feel somewhat guilty for being excited but I live with this on my conscious knowing there's one more part, and my own personal freedom at stake. Yes, I'm quite excited to be free of the work I'm so knee-deep it at the moment.

2. Sometimes, I wonder why I do this. But I should really stop and just do it.

3. In the latter movies, they never have those shots of the wind blowing Harry's hair from his forehead and the camera zooming in, with the score punctuating a moment of importance, anymore. I wonder if it's out of laziness, or just so the make up artist doesn't have to bother herself with putting the scar on, but if I were directing (or even pd-ing or styling or being the make-up artist), I'd have Daniel Radcliffe have the scar everyday.

I'd also have them styled like the third movie, hair and everything, because that's the movie where everyone's most attractive! Hahaha Or fine, the 5th movie, where Harry is most cleanly cut. This mullet he has in the the 7th movie is ridiculous! Hehehe.

4. I just looove family dramas! In high school, it was Everwood and Gilmore Girls. In college, it was Brothers & Sisters. And now, it's Parenthood! Peter Krause as the proverbial protective older brother and father, Lauren Graham as a mother trying to get it together, and Dax Shepard starring alongside Craig T. Nelson. How could we go wrong?!! Hahaha. But really, I just love family dramas because I always end up falling in love and getting attached to the characters and hoping they defeat their demons...

Which reminds me, I really loved The Town for the exact same reason. I just love stories where people defeat their family vicious cycles. :-)

5. I think I watched Transformers 2 four times over the past two days. Since then, I've concluded that it sucks because it has no heart.

I won't lie; I love Michael Bay movies. I love saturated sunsets and windblown clothes and cheesy lines and power ballads to punctuate the stories hahaha. I love how overly dramatic and feeling glamorous they are! Hahaha I cried when Josh Hartnett died (!) in Pearl Harbor, when the clones escaped from The Island, and of course, when Bruce Willis said his good-byes to Liv Tyler (dad issues!). And I felt bad for Ed Harris (the villain!) in The Rock.

But Transformers 2 didn't have any of those characters for me to love and root for. Of course, there's Optimus Prime's death (!!!!!) and resurrection to kill us all emotionally, but due to his absence in the most part of the movie, the emotional core that pulled the entire story together in the first movie is no longer there as well. In the first movie, the part that was most heart-wrenching was when Bumblebee got caught by Sector 7, and Michael Bay said it himself, the movie is about a boy and his car. Transformers 2 on the other hand, is full of gunshots and noise and orange smoke and machines tearing each other apart and Linkin Park music. It's all action and no heart, with us audiences barely making a connection with Shia and Megan Fox. Yes, I'm a Shia Labeouf superfan (I seriously dream of marrying him and attending movie premieres with him, one day) and I'm going to admit that I felt no love from his relationship with Megan Fox. She's terrible! The whole part about saying "I love you" was so stupid, for lack of a better adjective. I didn't care when he finally said it in the end when Michael Bay inserted his trademark lovers-reuniting-framing-sunrays. And even the story arc with his parents letting him go, bringing him to college, trusting him to defeat the Decepticons on his own during the whole ruckus at the climax, and hugging at the end, tugged no heartstrings in my book. The movie is an over-the-top sequel trying to outperform its predecessor and in attempting to do so, it leaves out the most important part that would have allowed it to succeed.

4 aka What I Really Wanted to Say. I think what I love about St. Elmo's Fire is that I can relate to everyone to a certain extent. And that it's still relevant today despite being made so specifically for the time it was conceptualized in. I'm as obsessive as Kirbo, as lost as Leslie, as secretly yearning as Kevin, as annoyingly overly confident as Alec, as deluded as Jules, as in denial of responsibility as Billy the Kid, and as quietly suffering as Wendy. And I don't know any other twenty-something-year-old who isn't.

It took me one hour to write this! I really have to fix my gerunds and infinitives and how I enumerate things.

Also, this was so fun!
♥ Victoria
In all honesty, I wanted this. I wanted to "make sulit" my life and time and just spend every waking moment working and making money. I wanted to be the most productive human being I could be, and and just work work work my ass off to get to a position I'd be comfortable and happy in, both monetarily and emotionally. Now that perhaps I may be in that position, juggling what is technically two jobs and literally, ending my day with one to go home to the other, I can't help but be overwhelmed with trying to handle this all. I'm so so so grateful, because I thought I was doomed in the workforce. I thought I would never find a job I would want to do my best in, and I thought I'd never be able to find the time to juggle two. But here I am, living my dream, and I just can't grasp and take it all in somehow.

I am also so so so guilty. I'm so so so guilty for abandoning everyone else in my life to pursue this. I'm guilty for turning my entire house into a workshop and invading my family members' schedules so I can do store visits and deliver materials. I'm guilty for getting angry when my mom tells me to clean up the house and leave it in a state of decency so she can have guests over. I'm guilty for not wanting to go to my sister's birthday party to stay home to work. I'm guilty for turning into one of those people that never reply when.. well, there's no excuse for that.

But most of all, I'm guilty for abandoning Marco because there's just no time for anything else but work. I'm guilty for changing our plans last minute and dropping them last minute. I'm guilty for realizing how much work there is to be done, and consequently backing out on places he's been bugging me to go to. I'm guilty that our dates and "quality time" now consist of his watching Justice League on his laptop in my house, while I paint/glue/work. And that the only times we ever see each other without work are when I can squeeze in an hour (ugh, even less) between other things in my schedule I deemed to be more important than time with him. It breaks my heart when I give him the news. I'm guilty for that genuinely sad face and tone of voice he has, even when he tries to hide it.

I just miss him so much. I miss our weekday dates and going to the malls when no one's in it. And not having to think about what time I have to be home to finish a certain bulk of work.

There's just this one last pile of shit to get over. About a month or so left before I might actually be able to breathe. Isolation mode from the world has started and I leave the internet world to now continue. Isolation from everyone, everything, even guilt.

Sometimes, I should just focus because at the end of the day, I know I have his support. WBBF ♥
Current Music: yellow covered by johnoy danao. joke i'm not in the gig with them.
♥ Victoria
12 October 2010 @ 03:22 pm
I just want to shrivel up and disintegrate and disappear and perhaps, if I'm lucky, when I come back to life, I'll be someone else, instead.