Log in

05 September 2011 @ 01:12 am
Is it considered a secret if it's on Livejournal instead of Blogspot or Tumblr?  
It's not a secret to my friends from high school or anyone who read my Livejournal circa 2004 that my dad and I don't get along. My parents separated when I was fifteen, and instead of hiding in shame or awkwardness, I decided that the only way I would accept the situation or the only way I would be able to handle it in poise despite not knowing how to actually deal with it emotionally would be to wear my feelings on my sleeve, to talk about it like it was normal, like it was just any other event in my life. When it would get really rocky trying to deal with him, Livejournal got the best of my feelings, hahaha. And now, almost ten years later, it's kind of fallen into the background of my life, just something else about me I mention in passing or if I would ever have to explain to college friends and work friends. Sometimes, I take for granted that people don't know that about me, especially with the ones I'm really close to.

We still don't get along. I have come to accept that our relationship will always be severed and have no intentions of hugging it out, forgetting everything, and having an indie-movie-like reunion. No fucking way, man, hahaha! Sometimes, especially with people close to me that have such admirable relationships with their family, I never feel like I can be absolutely honest about certain disagreements I have with my dad. From my own best friend, who has known of every episode since we were a squeaky clean happy family, I always hear how much nicer I should be to him, and how I should just be open to the idea of being daddy's little girl again. My boyfriend, who loves and looks up to his own father, and has a great relationship with his family, never lets me get away with any of my snarky comments or complaints I have about my own dad. And until now, there's a reason I'm publishing this entry in Livejournal, the deadspot of the internet, and not in my Blogspot or Tumblr accounts.

I had a short coffee break and conversation with a friend a few days ago, about our parents, what it was like mediating between mom and dad (and in my case, lola hahaha). His parents weren't together anymore either, and it was just really nice to say what I really wanted to about my severed parental relationship, and not censor it like I usually do. Even with my other friends, those I'm closer to, I can't really recall ever being that candid without feeling like I was also being judged. The conversation wasn't long, it was probably fifteen minutes or so. It didn't change anything about how I felt about my dad. But it was just really really nice to have been honest, even just for a little bit, even just in this deadspot of the internet, even just in secret.
Oh, de Saussure's Lovechildmeetmy_tommygun on September 5th, 2011 12:40 pm (UTC)
I love how this little deadspot gives life to the most poignant of thoughts. Hugs, Vicky.
♥ Victoriaw_llflower on September 5th, 2011 01:58 pm (UTC)
Hugs Camille! :-)
foureyeswideopenlonelylittleboy on September 17th, 2011 02:09 pm (UTC)
(this is gonna be inappropriate but)
i can relate- when my parents had a falling out, i could only really talk about it to my friends whom i knew had separated parents also. up to this day, some of my closest friends still don't know, and i doubt i'd be able to tell them anytime soon.

and i couldn't even write about it without masking it in metaphors - even in this deadspot called LJ. but it's kind of comforting to know that if i do end up writing about it, someone on my friends list will understand.