?

Log in

♥ Victoria
16 August 2012 @ 11:42 pm
These days, I've been reminiscing a lot, and that's when I get really sad. I start to realize things and may contribute further to the fact that we could never be together again. I allow myself to remember and place myself in the times when I was so blissfully ignorant to how certain personalities can never complement each other.

I'm balik-sa-dating-ugali (BSDU) in its truest form. I'm back to my college self, thinking I'm meant to be with every guy I encounter, thinking all this time, it may have just been so and so. Or that maybe this new guy that is walking right towards me now could be the love of my life. I invented the term for this (and perhaps that's the reason I embody it so much), and it's called being a mind slut. Kung sino-sino nalang, soulmate ko na. Jusko.

On another note, my favorite thing to imagine is our life together. That in that other universe hey, maybe we're an awesome PD couple with an awesome PD-ed home and happiness all over. Maybe if we made other choices earlier in the game, that could have been the outcome. It's like stalking on Facebook, or I guess like doing drugs (how could I be sure? I'll never know ha ha). You feel light and happy satisfying your curiosity until you stop and realize that hey that'll never be your life or your permanent feeling. Or in my case, that'll never be what we're like. It's a lot of fun living in that imagined version of ourselves. Until I have to stop.

Stop.

One day, I will stop myself from looking to the past. One day.
 
 
♥ Victoria
06 August 2012 @ 02:17 am
Slowly, the pieces that were a part of me before we met are being rebuilt. I'm finding more time to care about the things and people I paid attention to before, and finding no critics for them this time. I do what I get to regardless of who might have an opinion about it. My only wish, and the only thought at the back of my mind - and it's the thought that counts - is that I could have done this with you. That I could have been the best version of myself even when I was with you.

How did I lose myself so much without knowing? How did I hurt you so much without care?
 
 
♥ Victoria
31 July 2012 @ 01:34 am
We were ships, sailing across an ocean too vast for us to navigate, lost in the waves that threw us off course. Our anchors pulling against each other, only weighing us down.
 
 
♥ Victoria
25 July 2012 @ 02:20 am
I think one of the most important things to remember, especially when I become sad thinking about the past, the what could have beens and the what are's, the things to forget, and the things I want to remember, is that there are bigger things in life than this. It's not the end of the world because my boyfriend (ZOMG now ex) broke up with me. Life goes on, and eventually, so will I.

Ika nga ni Ramon Bautista (thank you, Twitter!), when you can't move on, move on some more.

***

I can't believe I have the balls to use my Pam and Jim icon! Kapal ng mukha ko. Hahaha.
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: the scientist. meron bang 'the artist' na ganitong song rin? haha
 
 
♥ Victoria
31 December 2011 @ 03:01 am
At the start of 2011, I wanted to just continue my work from the last year. I also wanted to let go of some insecurities, achieve a happy heart and have some art in my life! I think I have attained some stability at work. Though I am much busier than I have ever been, it's a good place to be, and I'm nothing but thankful. This is really what I will make of it, so I hope to make it nothing short of great! :-)

I am almost at the happy heart! Almost almost! But I'm very happy to be where I am! Definitely in a better place. Baby steps, but all in all, nearer to being a whole than a hole.

And no, there's unfortunately no art in my life! I was able to squeeze in some writing and photography classes this year. I simply hope to further my skills at both, at pole, and at crafts! :)

All in all, I'm not exactly where I would have wanted to be; I had definitely wanted to be much happier, much more fulfilled than this. But it's progress and baby steps, and for that, I cannot be anything short of grateful. Let's follow through to bigger leaps in 2012! :)

Song for 2011: One Day More HAHAHAHA! And the entire Les Mis soundtrack! :)
 
 
 
♥ Victoria
This has got to be the most depressing birthday season ever. Will I even make it to Sunday?
 
 
♥ Victoria
01 November 2011 @ 05:41 pm
I never understood how people categorise their year in months. Like "Hello November," or "Bye October." Nothing is ever planned that way in the real world, and I feel no emotional separation between the 31sts and 1sts of every month, so who cares?
 
 
♥ Victoria
It's not a secret to my friends from high school or anyone who read my Livejournal circa 2004 that my dad and I don't get along. My parents separated when I was fifteen, and instead of hiding in shame or awkwardness, I decided that the only way I would accept the situation or the only way I would be able to handle it in poise despite not knowing how to actually deal with it emotionally would be to wear my feelings on my sleeve, to talk about it like it was normal, like it was just any other event in my life. When it would get really rocky trying to deal with him, Livejournal got the best of my feelings, hahaha. And now, almost ten years later, it's kind of fallen into the background of my life, just something else about me I mention in passing or if I would ever have to explain to college friends and work friends. Sometimes, I take for granted that people don't know that about me, especially with the ones I'm really close to.

We still don't get along. I have come to accept that our relationship will always be severed and have no intentions of hugging it out, forgetting everything, and having an indie-movie-like reunion. No fucking way, man, hahaha! Sometimes, especially with people close to me that have such admirable relationships with their family, I never feel like I can be absolutely honest about certain disagreements I have with my dad. From my own best friend, who has known of every episode since we were a squeaky clean happy family, I always hear how much nicer I should be to him, and how I should just be open to the idea of being daddy's little girl again. My boyfriend, who loves and looks up to his own father, and has a great relationship with his family, never lets me get away with any of my snarky comments or complaints I have about my own dad. And until now, there's a reason I'm publishing this entry in Livejournal, the deadspot of the internet, and not in my Blogspot or Tumblr accounts.

I had a short coffee break and conversation with a friend a few days ago, about our parents, what it was like mediating between mom and dad (and in my case, lola hahaha). His parents weren't together anymore either, and it was just really nice to say what I really wanted to about my severed parental relationship, and not censor it like I usually do. Even with my other friends, those I'm closer to, I can't really recall ever being that candid without feeling like I was also being judged. The conversation wasn't long, it was probably fifteen minutes or so. It didn't change anything about how I felt about my dad. But it was just really really nice to have been honest, even just for a little bit, even just in this deadspot of the internet, even just in secret.
 
 
♥ Victoria
I don’t have an ex-boyfriend, just a bunch of guys I used to like a lot. The relationship I’m in is the first real one I’ve had, and everything else before this was probably a cute crush, a devastating obsession, or a simple LJ entry memory of what could have been great.

I suppose there is one guy who came to mind when this topic was brought up. I wrote about him all too much in here. Until now, I can’t believe it’s been 7 years since we first met, 5 years since I got over it, and maybe 2 or 3 years since we last ignored each other in public. Haha Now we just do so on Facebook.

I suppose I could tell him that I’m doing well, much better than when whatever was (or wasn’t) going on between us was there. Much better than I was when I would hang on to every word he said and would pretend that what we had was a connection. I know now to accept that boys are just not worth the trouble, and that whatever was in my imagination that happened was probably a figment of my storytelling prowess. It's funny; he was probably the most important person in my life for awhile. I put him on such a pedestal that he never deserved. And now, he’s just the by-product of college memories, the cobweb of lessons I needed to learn, of heartbreak I needed to think I was feeling.

I suppose I was lucky. It was a free pass of sorts, an experience that helped me learn all the things NOT to do or feel when in a relationship, without actually having to be in one. Without actually having to go through a break-up.

But I also suppose that I don’t have to tell him all of this. We can just go on with our lives, because whatever this Day 5 exercise is isn’t necessary. I don’t have to know if he felt anything for me. I don’t have to know what he really ever thought of me. I don’t have to know if he ever even regarded me as an individual to respect. I don’t have to know if he ever even liked me. Who cares? Any digging up the past will just be of a grave that I don't have to fall into. He’s probably happy, and I know I am. That’s the part I’m okay with: I’m okay with not knowing, with just having gotten past it. And I think if that’s the place I’m in right now, then that’s a great place to be.
 
 
♥ Victoria
I'm sorry, Charlie. I have left you and gone with the rest of the confetti party.